As someone with one of “those” personalities, I tend to run hot and cold. I’ve had four careers before forty, each time going full in. Convinced that this, this is my calling, this is what will finally calm my soul. And then, 10 years, 4 years, 3 months, that feeling is gone. So I frantically grasp for the next fix. The next career that will fill me up. On to the next. Not just careers either. Friends, lovers, hobbies, lifestyle choices, modes of being in the world. Nothing seems to stick. Nothing feels like me, you know? Maybe you don’t. Maybe you’ve found your place. Maybe you’ve always know what fits you.
Then there’s the rest of us. One day it’s yoga will save the world, next it’s screw all this I want to open up a swanky boutique on the East Side, maybe I am meant to be a therapist, maybe I should go back to school. Then the inevitable nihalism kicks in. What is money? What is this physical body I am in anyway? None of it matters the world is burning?!?!?
Somewhere in between or within all of these “me-s” is me. Is who I am at the core. Hello there! I see glimpses of her, but I just can’t grab her. And maybe it’s the intention to grab, to grasp that is at the root of my inability to make something stick. Maybe it isn’t supposed to. I have moments when the stillness comes, when I let go. The vast majority happen when I’m outside, when I’m alone, when no one is watching except the earth. When society as we know it has been stripped away. When I get to that place whether it be through yoga, forest bathing (which sounds way weirder than it is), or sometimes I’ll just be hanging out and the right combination of environment, my soul and my brain hit and I fee…..Me-ness. Instead of looking for the next fix, I’m attempting to create more instances in which I don’t need a fix, where I am me. And me is enough. And that….is a whole mood (See what I did there???).
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